You’ll Never Know/ I’ll Never Know

You’ll never know / I’ll never know 

You’ll never know what it cost me to let my guard down and let you in

You’ll never see the way I wrestle with my weakness and with my own sin

You’ll never feel the tear of my soul, because I can seem, don’t want, just have to let you go.

You’ll never know just how much it is that I love you that I chose to not choose us

You’ll never see how I chose your boys, I chose my kids and both our spouses above all that we are

You’ll never feel the shame I feel, because I know, God knows, that I should have chose better than I did. 

You’ll never know just how it hurts me to see that I hurt you so deep.

You’ll never see the way your anger make me feel like my soul will never fully have peace

You’ll never feel the utter sadness from the trust I broke, from lies I spoke for the hurt in so many of the hearts I love.

I’ll never know what it will be like to wake up without your smile haunting me

I’ll never see things through your big bright eyes, though you’ve begged me to see

I’ll never infeel the crushing weight of your heart break and my heart break as I had to tell you no…

Oh we will never know

I know I curse and bless this beautiful mess and I wish and I hope for healing 

We’ve both closed the door, though parts still long for more and we’ve both cried and said our peace 

And now I know… what I couldn’t before that love still has the power to mend everything; even you and me. 

You’ll never know that I still pray for you every single day, and that the ache in my heart has not faded.

I’ll never know what it’s like to listen to a song from the end of the dock, and not see you effortlessly dancing through the music

You'll never know of the war that still wages inside me, between loving you and needing you; all the while wanting you to know that I still do.

I’ll never know what it means, to say what my soul still screams; knowing you already heard my true whispers

So I curse and I bless, the scars deep in our chests, and I trace each line with fluent remembrance

Oh there is much more that you’ll never, I’ll never, we still do not yet know.

 #tampa #gatsby #MusicFromTheEndOfTheDock   #IHaveToGetTheseWordsOut #Torn #MeToo #GodIMissYou

I pretend

I pretend 

I don’t miss you… but you and I both know it’s every moment of every day 

The tone and the timbre of your voice echoes in the empty chambers of my soul

The solar flares of your bright white imperfect smile perfectly fills my heart with the deepest longings of my life 

All I want to do is breathe you in, taste your sweetness, revel In the wrath of your passion.

I miss you every single moment of every single day, though I pretend not to. 

 #FallingOffTheTightRope #llama #gatsby #MaybeInAnotherLife #GodIMissYou

I Still (always) Look For You

I look for you

In the morning - I look for you

In the crowd.

In the faces of strangers, in places I wager you are waiting just up around the corner to be found.

In the music - I look for you

In sound.

In words of the poets, it’s the thread God I know it, if I follow it just might let me find you.

In the skies- I look for you

In the hawk.

In the screech of its answer, to the sound of prayerful banter; I feel like you’ve somehow always just heard. 

In the silence- I look for you.

In the smoke.

In the long contemplation, the maduro meditation your memory sings on the wisps of the disciples while plumes. 

In the pain - I look for you.

In the joy.

In the commingled answers, the questions still dances on the all too fresh scars I both cherish and curse.

In the healing - I look for you

In the peace. 

In the undiminished power, still blooming like wild flowers a radiant beauty longingly adored, yet not owned.

In the story- I look for you

In the grace. 

In the unfinished tale, where bright hope prevails where queens and warriors find a true home.  

I look for you- ever always look for you. 

In that looking

In that sacred quest, I’m finding me in the shadows a king released from the gallows a soul un-resigned at last.  

#StillAtTheEndOfTheDoc  #Daisy #Gatsby #MostlyHarmless #IMissYou